Quotations / Some Terrific Comedians' Best Lines
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Last Modified Jan 04, 2009 at 05:56 PM EST by pwallaceViewed 728 time(s)
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Enjoy these witty and pithy sayings!! Most of these statements are those of stand-up comics
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Person | Where & When? | Topic | Quote | Why? | Rating | ||
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| A. Whitney Brown | - | Students | "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." | - |
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| Bob Ettinger | - | Relationships |
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be...
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| Conan O'Brien | - | Women | "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." |
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| David Letterman | - | Survey | "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." | - |
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| Dick Cavett | - | Children | "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." | - |
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| Ellen DeGeneres | - | Deer |
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of
he...
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| Jack Mayberry | - | Vote | "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." | - |
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| Jake Johansen | - | Jacket |
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there
were...
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| Jeff Stilson | - | Humans |
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him
the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that
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| Jerry Seinfeld | - | Detergents |
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
pr...
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Quotations
