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Jerry
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In "The Male Unbonding" episode during his monologue at the night club
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Breakup
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As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do you know what I mean? There's nothing ...
 As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship...
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Jerry
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In "The Male Unbonding" episode
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Friends
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See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in com...
See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"
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Jerry
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In "The Stock Tip" episode opening monologue at the comedy club
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Check
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Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when you're h...
Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?!"
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Jerry
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In "The Stock Tip" episode
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Investment
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I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your mone...
I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."
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Jerry Seinfeld
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In "The Stakeout" Episode at the Comedy club
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Checkbook
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I have noticed that women are very fast with checks, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many checks. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the check book they...
I have noticed that women are very fast with checks, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many checks. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is, but the check book they got that. They never fumble for the check book-- the check book comes out of a holster: "Who do I make it out to?... There's my ID...". There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me..."
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Jerry Seinfeld
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In "The Stakeout" episode during his monologue at the comedy club.
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Relationships
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Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said "Yeah, I got this new thing- 'platonic'. My idea, m...
Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said "Yeah, I got this new thing- 'platonic'. My idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- don't do anything...and go right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be big!" I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: "Hi, my name's Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a 'Riconic' relationship..."
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Jerry Seinfeld
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In "The Stakeout" episode during his closing monologue.
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Friendship
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...if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others ...
...if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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In "The Robbery" episode during the opening monologue
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The finger
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...the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and ...
...the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and uh, look at that toe, buddy. I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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In "The Male Unbonding" episode in the opening monologue
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Working with tools
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...it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they r...
...it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, the Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Disagreement
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In "The Robbery" episode in his monologue at the comedy club
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...when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of...
...when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says: "I got the front seat" [other kid's voice] "I wanted the front seat!" [first kid again] "I called it". And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say: [other kid's voice] "He called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law" it holds up: [lawyer's voice] "Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat"...and the judge would go: "Did he call it?" [lawyer's voice again] "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!
[imitating a hammer being hit by the judge]; [judges voice again] "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".
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