by 1 Cylivers
Subject: Employees
To: All employees over 25 years of age.
From : Management.
Date : 27th Jan, 1998
Due to the current financial position and probable future mergers, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over twenty-five on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse), or HERPES (Half Earnings or Retired Persons Early Severance).
Obviously, employees who had AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Employees staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
To: All employees over 25 years of age.
From : Management.
Date : 27th Jan, 1998
Due to the current financial position and probable future mergers, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over twenty-five on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse), or HERPES (Half Earnings or Retired Persons Early Severance).
Obviously, employees who had AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Employees staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
