Is it just me or does everybody who drives on the road suck at driving?  I have one goal in life, and that goal is to get from point A to point B, and there’s always SOMEBODY out there who ends up getting in my way, slowing me down unneccessarily or making things so unsafe that the journey from A to B causes my blood pressure to reach life threatening levels.  The following is a sample of some of the worst offenders…

Soccer Mom

Soccer Mom is only comfortable 4 inches away from you vehicle, whether that be behind or in front of you.  She’s always in a rush to get somewhere, and that somewhere is right in front of you, but once she gets there she becomes confused as she no longer has a person to follow.  This causes her to slow down to the point that you eventually decide to pass her.  However your attempts will be in vain, for once you’re in front of her she now has a car to follow, and will procede to tailgate until the cycle repeats itself.  Add to this the fact that she’s usually driving a 8000lbs land monster and disaster is just around the corner. 

Old Man

How can somebody live for 85 years, presumably driving for a solid 60+, and only learn 1/4 of the rules of the road?  Come on old man, the speed limit says 50, not 35!  You’re supposed to slow down in the pull off lane, not in the middle of the highway!  If you’re not going to change lanes, for Gods sake, turn off your signal!  The only thing worse than the Old Man is when the cosmos align and two Old Men somehow find themselves travelling side by side at the exact same snail pace, presumably locked together in some sort of Depends induced parallel orbit.

The Crapster

 The Crapster poses a bit of a conundrum when you’re on the road.  On the one hand he is incapable of travelling over the legal speed limit and leaves the air smelling like you’re travelling behind a steam engine, but on the other hand it’s not so much The Crapster’s fault as it is The Crapster’s crapster.  For you can honk all you like, The Crapster simply cannot make his crapster travel any faster.  This eventually results in you cursing The Crapster not for driving so slowly, but for the lack of intelligence involved in purchasing his crapster to begin with.

Ricey 

Ricey is a close relative to The Crapster, with the exception that The Crapster knows that his crapster is a piece of crap, whereas Ricey thinks that his crapster is a formula one racecar, and hence drives like a madman… but rarely at high speeds.  What you will usually observe in Ricey is him tailgating you, follow by him weaving back and forth between the lanes in front of you as he slowly approaches the next set of cars.  This, of course, results in the other cars slowing down as they try to determine what the hell it is that Ricey is trying to accomplish with his underpowered crapster.  It would seem that fancy paint and an abundance of chrome does not a sportscar make.

The Redneck

The problem with Redneck is that his automobile is just so damned big and, as of late, overpowered.  When Redneck is behind you his house on wheels is so menacing that it’s all you can look at in your rearview mirror.  When Redneck is in front of you, he’s so big that you can’t see what’s going on 10 feet in front of you, causing you to unneccessarily slow down.  Plus if the conditions on the road are poor, Redneck usually wants to show you just how capable his automobile is, and will hence compensate for the poor road conditions by driving with even less regard for those around him than before.  This usually involves a combination of tailgating and scaring people off the side of the road, usually with the assistance of having his muffler removed.

Motorcycle Man

Motorcycle man is a strange breed in that he only comes out during the summer.  Although Motorcycle Man is supposed to abide by the regular rules of the road, it seems that he’s thrown in a few rules of his own.  Rule 1:  The new universal speed limit is 200mph.  Rule 2:  There are no lanes on the road  Rule 3:  It is only necessary to have one wheel touching the ground at any point in time.  Motorcycle Man forces all other drivers to be extra cautious so that he can enjoy his new rules.  Motorcyle Man is also known as Organ Doner on Wheels.

The Bus

The Bus, whether city or Greyhound, is simply a sad part of reality that we all eventually come to deal with.  When first driving, one may try to make time by spending an inordinate amount of effort passing The Bus.  However what one does not realize is that The Bus has a friend just up the street named… The Bus.  Whenever you find one Bus, there’s another one just up the corner, and if you try to beat The Bus you’ll just end up fighting one of his friends 3 minutes later. 

The Cyclist

The Cyclist is an interesting breed in that The Hippie, The Soccer Mom or even yourself can lead a double life as The Cyclist.  Sometimes The Cyclist knows his place… the sidewalk.  Other times The Cyclist pretends that he’s Motorcycle Man and weaves in between cars… however his top speed of 10mph usually makes what would otherwise be a harmless 150lbs of weight into a travelling sandbag waiting to be hit by The Redneck.  Sometimes The Cyclist thinks he’s a car and travels in the center of the lane, not realizing that while his transportation is propelled by what he can exert with his legs, the 5000lbs monsters behind him are powered by fire and brimstone and find travelling at less than 20mph to not just be trance inducing but also stall inducing. 

So what is a normal driver, you ask?  Well… a normal driver is me of course! (And anybody else who actually knows what they’re doing on the road)